“Awful things may happen but they are no reason to fold in on oneself and self destruct. All things, no matter how awful, are survivable because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.” – John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
And I realized as I lay awake that first night after being delivered the terrible news, I would be ok. At every stage of this saga what I thought would be the worst possible scenario has happened. And I have survived. Sure it hasn’t been easy and there have been many a curse cried out to the universe but at each stage there has also been a sense of peace at the acceptance of the new reality.
It really is as simple as the saying “Life goes on.” Life does go on. No matter what. And we can still build a good life, a good day from the tatters and crumbled mess of yesterday.
Back when I first started getting pain and I had started my PT course the worst possible scenario was I would have to quit and move home. It happened and I was devastated but I survived and it even turned out for the best.
When I fractured my femur in December the worst possible scenario was I would have to give up Crossfit. And I did. And I was so angry and upset and thought life was so unfair.
Then I got the IV and the picc line and was told I wouldn’t be able to exercise for six weeks. This was my nightmare, my worst possible fear. I would put on weight, be a lazy slob and all the good and hard work I had done would be undone. But I survived. And even had fun along the way. And now the ultimate worst possible scenario had happened and I would have to give up uni and go through the whole thing again.
Apart from losing a loved one I had lost everything. There was nothing left to give. But I didn’t feel anger this time. This surprised me. In December when I fractured my femur and they first found signs of an infection, I was so angry and frustrated and felt defeated. There was none of that this time. I think in it’s place was just sadness. Plain and pure. I felt really sad about all I had to give up. But at the same time there was a sense of hope. A feeling of peace. I needed a few days to grieve what I would lose but then I knew I would be ok. I knew it was going to be a tough journey and there would be good and bad days. There would be plenty of tears and despair but in that moment I felt strong. I felt a strength stirring within and I knew I could do this. I would walk out of this situation not just a survivor but a conqueror. Perhaps this was the plan all along. Yes it sucked but I never give up. Never ever.