Firstly let me apologize.
I should have written this earlier. Weeks, no months ago.
I am terribly sorry for the lack of posts of late.
I had so loved and enjoyed the process of blogging my way throughout this whole journey. I loved being able to look back on my posts as a record for myself and I loved being able to share my story and connect with others.
I found it a therapeutic way to sort through my emotions and feelings and would often surprise myself with what came out. I once read a quote ‘I don’t know what I think I read what I have written’ And I have to say I find this quite accurate. Writing helps clarify my feelings and helps to sort through the tangle of thoughts, they are easier to deal with when they are nicely arranged and packaged into neat little sentences.
But like when I originally set out to start this blog life simply got in the way.
I was ejected from rehab and within a few days catapulted back into real life. It was an exciting time but also an incredibly busy and at times overwhelming time.
While rehab certainly hadn’t been an easy ride there was a certain sense of safely of being in there. Chris had told me before I left that often patients were nervous to leave the security and routine of the place. I did identify with this to a degree.
In a way I feel it was a similar feeling to when I was at university. I was working hard and doing my best to achieve my goal for the next stage of my life but at the same time real life hadn’t started yet. It was a safe bubble of time where the future glittered and shimmered with possibility just ahead of me.
And then the real world hits. My days had been so ordered and organized and then real life came along like a bounding slobbery dog and suddenly life was chaotic and not at all neat and orderly. It was an exciting time, don’t get me wrong but it certainly was an adjustment.
I missed Chris terribly. I missed being able to talk through anything and everything with him. He understood all the things that come with being a cyborg and had been such a huge part of my journey.
I missed his guidance with my walking and his constant support and encouragement. I missed his friendship and I even missed him telling me to ‘take it easy’.
I missed my daily gossip sessions and chats with Nicole.
And I missed being able to work on my physio exercises three times a day.
But the hardest thing was how tired I was all the time.
There were days where I would be so completely exhausted and drained staying awake was physically painful. Like Fifi Box remarked once, I was too tired to blink. At times I didn’t even have the energy to talk.
I worried that I was a failure and not strong enough as the other cyborgs didn’t seem to be this low in energy and this utterly exhausted and drained by everyday life.
But in saying that I was working out for two hours at the gym as well as an hour of physio each morning on top of working full time in a stressful job with constant deadlines. And then there was all the socializing to catch-up on. Five months away from my friends, there was a lot of ground to cover.
And I discovered I was low in iron so the tiredness wasn’t entirely cyborg leg related.
But between the exercise, work and socializing and heavy weight of exhaustion there wasn’t much time nor energy left over for writing and blogging.
I fell behind. And then I fell even more behind. And suddenly I was so far behind the enormity of the task of catching up on all the posts I had missed loomed so huge in front of me it was easier to hide in the corner.
I still had been writing notes and bits and pieces but no proper fully formed posts. Just skeletons really.
And the more the days went by the more and more daunting the task seemed. I felt paralyzed whenever my fingers touched the keyboard.
But the guilt of not writing weighed heavy around my neck and followed behind me like a dark shadow as each night I hoped into bed without updating my blog.
My perfectionist nature kicked in and I was afraid of my blog not living up to the expectation I had established in my mind and I simply couldn’t start to write again.
The guilt and pressure was too much. I felt like I was being squashed under it, like an obese elephant had taken up residence on my shoulders.
So consumed with guilt and worried that I had failed, really I was just sabotaging myself in not writing.
The longer it went the worse I felt about myself and the more people asked about my blog the guiltier I became.
But it’s time to just bite the bullet and launch back into it.
So many incredible things have happened throughout the past four months, I can barely believe it.
I have been filmed for a story on Totally Wild, appeared in the Fernwood magazine, had the weekend cover story in the Sunshine Coast Daily, and been contacted by Lorna Jane to share my story.
It’s also been a huge time of transition for me, from rehab to real life, back into work and the gym and sharing my story with my co-workers and gym friends. Most have been incredibly supportive. Some haven’t. One particular girl who I considered one of my best friends was particularly nasty, constantly making snide comments to my face and then viciously talking about me behind my back. The fallout was very unpleasant and incredibly upsetting. Seems not everyone likes a cyborg.
But I have also been blessed with new friends who rather than tear me down like she did, they constantly lift me up and support me.
On the leg front, I could not be happier. I have already ticked off two of my cyborg goals, I have returned to the gym in almost full capacity and more and I completed my first 5km fun run/walk three months ahead of schedule.
I have trained with Commando from Biggest Loser and made Michelle Bridges cry when I met her and told her my story.
I sometimes have to pinch myself at just how incredible this leg has made my life. Gone are the days of constant pain and rubbing and bulky sockets. While there have been painful days and moments it is not like before. My leg gets sore but it’s more like a muscular sore just like when you have completed a tough gym session.
I am loving being able to wear exercise tights and any type of pants I want.
I love being fit and mobile and more active than I had ever imagined.
I thought I was happy before. I think I even wrote earlier in the blog just before I left for the surgery that my life was pretty much perfect.
But I have never been happy like this before. I feel like I have become the person I was supposed to be. I feel like my life makes sense and I am on my true path.
Physically, mentally and emotionally I have changed and for the first time in my life I truly like myself and accept myself.
After years of hiding my disability I want to embrace it and celebrate what my leg or lack thereof, is able to do.
And so the life changes keep coming. Returning to work I realized that this job in the media, this world of gossip and entertainment reporting no longer was my passion, it was no longer the right fit for me.
I want to help people in a more tangible way. I want to inspire people, help them to find their true selves and live their best lives. Like how Chris helped me.
And so I have quit my job and decided to return to uni and become a physio as well as get my Cert 3 in Fitness as health and fitness as become a huge part of my life and one of my greatest passions.
A pretty dramatic career change right? It’s not going to be easy but it sure will be worth it. And since when have I ever shied away from hard work?
My last day is tomorrow and then my next adventure starts. It will be sad to close this chapter of my life and if nine months ago someone had said to me I would do this I would have laughed in their face and told them they were crazy. But it feels right and exciting.
But more on that shortly.
Cyborg life sure is exciting!
So the plan is this, I will continue to blog this crazy adventure each day but I will also work on catching up on the posts I have missed as there is still a lot to fill you in on. So don’t feel too cheated. I will flash back to these shortly. Better late than never right?
But for now I will keep on top of everything that is currently happening and get back to updating regularly. Please forgive me for the delay.
The Girl With The Cyborg Leg