It’s hard to not let the anxiety, the fears and the doubts in.
I try to block them out and choose instead to paint my mind with positivity, decorating with excitement and focus on each day as they come rather than worrying about the days ahead.
But like water spiraling and spinning down a plug hole, it’s hard not to be get sucked down into the darkness.
The days stretch before me, blindingly blank, white with uncertainty.
In a just a few days I will go to rehab and I will walk and while I am flooded with excitement I am also riddled with anxiety. Like a mould it grows upon my thoughts and festers in the corner of my mind.
During the day I catch it whispering to me but like radio in the background it can be drowned out. But at night it feeds on the darkness and grows strong its voice becoming a loud shout.
I find myself filled with a constant anxious feeling in my heart. I wake with a feeling of vice like panic and fall to sleep trying to drown out the anxiety.
I am nervous about the walking process. I am concerned about the pain in my hip and how it will go after I start walking. How tough will the whole walking process be? How long till I can walk without an aid? I stress that since everything has taken longer than expected rehab will take longer then the estimated two weeks and I will require more time off work. Money weighs on my mind as I have already taken weeks unpaid and will I still be able to pay my bills if I need more leave?
I am concerned about Dr Al Muderis’ warning that I will likely need a hip replacement and it’s just a matter of when.
My mind stresses about the food in rehab and I worry I will put on weight not eating my normal healthy diet.
I’m nervous about Stephan’s warnings not to go too hard too soon and I worry about how long it will take for me to get back to my normal level of activity at the gym. How soon will I be able to do all the classes and go hard on the bike and cross-trainer? Will I be able to be as active as I hope to be? Have I got unrealistic expectations? I worry I won’t be able to live up to the expectations others have of me.
Dr Al Muderis’ grave warning from the first appointment runs through my head.
“I could make you worse.”
I’m also nervous about returning to work and how I will cope after being away for so long. Will I still remember how to do my job?
The next few months are a constellation of uncertainty and unknown.
But giving in to the anxiety is surrendering to being sucked into a vortex of darkness and I won’t allow myself to give in to that.
The anxiety may lap at my skin and nip at the heels of my mind but I will not invite it in completely. I will not swim in its ocean or listen blindly to its shouts.
I have to be rational. I have to be strong. I have to never give up and I have to never give in.
Worrying doesn’t solve your tomorrow, it simply takes away today’s strength and I need that strength today.
One day at a time, that’s all I can do.