I almost feel old hat at this surgery business now.
Leading up to the first surgery I was a bundle of nerves. In the stillness they would sneak up on me and crawl into my brain, turning my stomach into a breeding ground of butterflies.
This time I feel more matter of fact about it all.
I have been there, done that, I know what to expect.
There is a sense of well; there is no turning back now. I’m already half a cyborg, there is piece of metal fusing to my bone, there really is only way and that is forward.
This surgery also means I am one step closer to being able to walk and my end goal which feels exciting.
But in saying that, I still wear a cloak of uneasiness.
Tomorrow I head back into hospital and while there isn’t an army of nerves marching within me I feel a little hesitant.
I feel like it is like starting over again, and in a way it is.
I survived the first round. I coped through the pain and the nausea. I rode out the drugs and the withdrawals and the uncomfortable nature of sleeping. I was back at the gym and able to sit in ordinary chairs without developing cramps after a few minutes. Life was just getting back to somewhat normal.
Now it’s back to square one and I have to go through it all again.
Hopefully this time it will be a little easier as the surgery won’t be as intrusive and I’m hoping the pain and recovery won’t be as difficult.
I’m also unsure of what to expect in regards to the actual surgery process. Will I be awake again?
And the drugged days after. I’m not looking forward to those. At least I know they don’t last long and it is just a matter of riding them out.
But the one thing I am the most nervous about is what my leg will look like after. It is in this stage they will re-open the wound and attach a piece of metal to the implant in my bone. This piece of metal, which from what I have seen looks like a metal tip of a crutch, will forever stick out of my stump. The rest of my leg (or various legs) will attach to this.
But how will I feel when I see this change to my body? It’s one thing to accept it in theory, but in real life it is another story.
I’m first up on the operating table at 6am tomorrow so there’s no turning back now.
It’s time to kick this cyborg transformation up a notch. See you on the other side.