That first night on the ketamine I went through the full gamut of emotions. At first I was really happy, bright and bubbly. I felt this all expansive feeling of love and forgiveness and I just wanted to reach out to everyone and tell them I loved them. I wanted to reconcile.
I texted S who I had once loved but hadn’t spoken to in more than a year (you might remember him as the one who said my leg freaked him out).
I told him how grateful I was for the time we had together and what great times we had. I said I was sorry for how things ended and how talented he was and to never waste it.
It must have seemed like such a weird message to get out of the blue at 11.30pm on a Monday night.
He responded with “hey, yeah a little out of the blue, but that’s cool. Thanks for the ego boost, hope everything is all good with you too.”
When the next day I had discovered I had texted him I was tempted to write back, “sorry I was just high on drugs,” but I’ll let him think it was just a random message.
I sent a whole string of loved out druggy messages to friends I had lost touch with and they all seemed appreciative of me reaching out. I just had such overwhelming feelings of love I couldn’t help but pour them out.
Looking back I am glad that I reached out to them. Perhaps hospital has made me a nicer person.
Who says drugs always ruin lives?
I must have looked quite a sight. I couldn’t focus properly so I had my phone held right up to my face, one eye shut so I could focus and I was so slow and straining to type out something that was coherent.
I must have done a good job as later H rang me after I sent him a message and when I answered in my slow drugged out drawl he was taken aback.
“But you sounded so coherent and normal in your message,” he said with surprise.
After the feelings of love I felt a feeling of sadness wash over me. I felt empty and I wanted to cry. I desperately wanted a teddy to cuddle. Dad had been afraid of the germ factor and hadn’t let me bring any of my soft toys into hospital.
“Besides you’re 25, you’re too old for soft toys,” he instructed me.
All I wanted was something to love.
The next day Mum bought me a teddy from the gift shop. I don’t think I have ever loved something more.
It was a few later that I was checking my emails and I noticed a receipt from Peter Alexander for a stuffed sausage dog toy called Penny.
Puzzled I checked it and realized that when I had been on Monday night I had ordered the toy. In my drugged out state I must have somehow thought it would miraculously arrive in an instant.
Maybe iPads, online shopping and drugs aren’t the best mix.