It’s a little more than two months to when go on leave and there is a lot to be done in that time. I need to find a physio to show me some strengthening exercises that will help me when it becomes time to learn to walk. I want to get as physically fit as possible before the operation so my recovery will be easier. And I want to lose some more weight as vain as it might sound I know being in hospital there will be a lot of nurses and doctors looking at my body and I don’t want to be feeling incredibly self conscious all the time.
I try not to focus too much on the impending operation and keep myself ever busy for in the quiet moment that’s when the fear pounces like a sneaky panther.
There are moments when I am temporarily paralyzed by fear at just how huge the whole process is. Not just the operation, but the recovery, the time away from work and friends.
Also the prospect of losing more of my leg does concern me. I know it will only be the tip but still the thought of losing a part of me fills me with nerves.
My biggest fear is the moment after the first surgery when I lift the sheet and look down at what my leg has become. I keep picturing it like a scene from a car crash movie where the protagonist has just lost their leg and sees their body for the first time and along comes the sea of tears.
I know it’s crazy and irrational and will be nothing like that, but still the thought and image persists.